why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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