just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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