I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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