i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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