I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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