I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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