it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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