$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
