the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
