The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
