maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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