I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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