I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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