I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
