Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
