You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
