I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
