i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
