3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
