I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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