i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
