omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
