Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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