Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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