just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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