the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
