Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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