ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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