I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
