so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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