he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
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