Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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