go do what you do best...puke behind churches
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
