what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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