ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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