Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
