youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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