Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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