Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
