Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh god it's open bar.
I came so hard my ears popped.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
