I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
