i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
