I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
