Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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