so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
