Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
