She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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