Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
