Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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