I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
