i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
