I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
