i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
