How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
