glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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