So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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