What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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