His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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