my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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