clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
