Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
