You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
